Thrown Over the Bus


At the start of this series, TSN Analyst and Former King, Ray Ferraro, said the only way the Los Angeles Kings could beat the San Jose Sharks was if the Sharks’ bus got lost on the way to the rink. Don’t believe me? 

Has anyone seen this bus? Cause I think it’s lost.

I never realized how much Drew Doughty looks like former King and NHL Hall of Famer Paul Coffey out on the ice. No really… Drew Doughty looks like Paul Coffey out on the ice.

That’s freakin’ eerie.

Sure, Paul Coffey couldn’t clear the front of the net if he was a Zamboni… but Coffey was one of the premiere offensive defenseman of his generation, and definitely up there in terms of all-time. So when Drew Doughty gets 4 points in an impressive 4-0 victory over the favorite San Jose Sharks… whose record for points in a playoff game by a Kings defenseman did Doughty tie? Well… his own from Game 3 against the Canucks last season… but also Paul Coffey’s.

You don’t know how long I’ve waited for current Kings players to match the stats of 90′s Kings players.


Seriously, doesn’t Doughty look just as stylish as Coffey does here?
Who the hell are those other geeky looking dudes?

Kings 4, Sharks 0

Kings Tie Series 1-1

Click Here to Read the Rest of The Royal Half Game 2 Recap!!!

It’s been two games now… and I’m just having a hard time taking a professional hockey team seriously that comes out onto the ice via some stupid gimmicky over-sized prop.

Really? A Sharks head?

Nothing to see here. Move along.

The NHL Playoffs are here and we all know what that means… time to grow a beard. And even Kings color analyst, Jim Fox, is getting in on the beard action.

I always thought Hobbits grew hair on their feet.

Using the cutting edge in Playoff Beard Technology™, we here at The Royal Half have been able to create a 3D rendering of what Jim Fox will look like if the Los Angeles Kings make it to the Stanley Cup Finals.

This isn’t to scale. Jim Fox is actually shorter.

Everyone knows that the NHL Playoffs are a total battle. But it’s amazing to see how hard it truly is on the players. This was Ryan Smyth on Thursday, just a few hours before the series with the Sharks began.


And this is Ryan Smyth before Game 2.


“Please don’t make me go back out there. I’m hurt very bad.”

I know I’ve compared Jack Johnson to Biff from Back to the Future before…

But after watching the first 3 hours of The Kennedys, I’m leaning towards Barry Pepper now.

Sure, defensemen Jack Johnson and Drew Doughty scored 3 of the 4 goals by the Kings tonight. But do either one of them have a Jew Fro? NO!

Kyle Clifford looks like he either just scored his first goal in the NHL Playoffs…
or he just murdered your cat and buried it in his backyard. 

Of course with the Kings scoring 4 goals Saturday night, I’m sure trade-deadline whipping-boy Dustin Penner had to have at least a point, right? RIGHT?!?

What’s that story about a watched pot, Dustin Penner?
Yeah, try staring harder at the ice and maybe YOU’LL REMEMBER HOW TO PLAY HOCKEY!!!

Sure, Dustin Penner did have a better game than Game 1. But like that was so hard. How do you know when it’s going rough for a player that is slumping with 0 points in his last 14 games?

His impact on the game gets compared to a rookie defenseman
who was a healthy scratch for all but 28 games. 

Lost in the excitement of the Kings finally scoring was the fact that Jon Quick had the first playoff shutout of his 8 playoff game career. 

Wow, Felix Potvin really rocked it hard in the early 00′s.

I’m just so glad this Kings team finally has a goaltender who is cool, calm and collected and never ends up looking like a deer in headlights out there.

I’m pretty sure this is Quick’s test shot for a new Calvin Klein ad.

For some reason, Fox Sports West HD felt it was appropriate to continue its “Heidi Androl Showcases Boring Things About Boring San Jose” series on tonight’s telecast.

I do not like the way that guy on the left is looking at her.

Today’s boring trip around San Jose was to a wine shop. But you say this wine shop specializes in hockey themed wine? Well, how could that be boring?

Trust me, it was.

Well, that’s cool that Mario Lemieux has his own wine.
A lot of NHL fans think that Sydney Crosby has his own wine too. 

Wow, wine based on the NHL All-Star Game, huh?
I’m guessing the taste is flat and unsatisfying. 

This is a bottle of wine encrusted with 3 carat diamonds. It sells for hundreds of thousands of dollars.

“This is the most expensive thing I’ve ever held in my hands.”
No really, Heidi Androl actually said that during this segment tonight.
Obviously, she doesn’t realize that Jarret Stoll makes 3.6 million a year

There’s even a wine for Bob Miller!
Which I have a feeling gets aired out nicely over the course of a game

Even though the game was played in Northern California, there still was a celebrity in the crowd.

Man, Anze Kopitar hasn’t slept at all since he broke his ankle.
Look at the bags under his eyes.

How badly does the NHL want the New York Rangers to go deep in the playoffs?

Enough to make them the #1 seed in the West and the #8 seed in the East.

That probably explains why John Tortorella was at the game.

How much of a blowout was this game?

Wayne Simmonds tried to catch an earlier flight back to LAX.

I’m not saying that Coach Murray has the attention of the people of Los Angeles right now…

But tonight he declared his candidacy for the Republican nomination in 2012.

“Purple.”

“Teal.”

“Purple”

“Teal.”

“Fine. They are both really gay colors.”

“Agreed.”

Kings fans are really excited about this Game 2 victory. And they should be. This was a complete and total effort by the Los Angeles Kings against a far better team. And with the series now going at least one game longer than most people thought it would… the Kings and Fox Sports West are starting to play a little bit dirty by putting subliminal messages into the broadcasts ala Fight Club.  

Brainwash me, Kings. Brainwash me.

The Royal Half has been a Los Angeles Kings fan since 1988 and a Half-Season Ticket Holder since 2002. He has seen the following goaltenders play in person for the Los Angeles Kings… Kelly Hrudey, Grant Fuhr, Byron Dafoe, Jamie Storr, Stephane Fiset, Felix Potvin, Cristobal Huet, Roman Cechmanek, Mathieu Garon, Adam Hauser, Jason LaBarbera, Barry Brust, Sean Burke, Dan Cloutier, Yutaka Fukufuji, Jean-Sebastien Aubin, Erik Ersberg, Jonathan Bernier, Jonathan Quick, Ben Scrivens and Martin Jones.You can follow The Royal Half on Twitter @TheRoyalHalf.