No Offense, but We Need Some Offence

Oh man, the Los Angeles Kings are in Pittsburgh for their only meeting of the season with the Penguins. I can’t wait to curl up on the couch and watch this game so I can see world-class player Sydney Crosby at his best. Oh, what’s that?

Well, that’s no big deal really… I mean the Penguins do have the former Conn Smythe winner and elite center Evgeni… a what???

Well, at least I get the chance to see Chris Kunitz again. You see, I don’t like very many players who were once Ducks, but for some reason I always… you’ve gotta be kidding me, right? RIGHT?!?

This was the closest image I could find for “injured penguin” that was also the same height as Kunitz

Well, if I’m not going to get a chance to see that high-powered Penguins offense I’ve heard so much about, at least I can see what all the fuss is about that agitator, Matt Cooke. I bet it’s more hype than anything and in the end the guy has a lot of respect for his fellow players.

Fine, at least I get to see the cool black and yellow uniforms that the Penguins look so sharp in…

You know, forget it. I’m just going to go see if my favorite late 70’s musical, The Wiz, is playing anywhere on cable instead of watching a bunch of no-name Pittsburgh hockey players.

Kings Offense 1, Penguins Offence 2

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I realize that the Penguins have been hit hard by injuries recently. And I know they called up a few forwards from their farm team in Wilkes-Barre/Scranton, but this is ridiculous.

Scouting report says the one on the far right led the minors in penalties last season.

And one of those call-ups was the Pride of Pasadena, California… Brett Sterling!

So I play every Sunday night in a shitty mens league where Brett Sterling played as a kid. Awesome.

And then Brett Sterling went out and scored a goal against his hometown team like the fucking traitor he is. Pasadena is like 15 minutes from Staples Center, Brett!

Kopi, I had no idea they had hockey in California.”

“Um.. Brownie… what do you think we are doing?”

“No, you know what I mean. Like real hockey. In California… who knew?!?”

In just one game with the Pittsburgh Penguins, Brett Sterling was able to do something that Anze Kopitar, Dustin Brown, Ryan Smyth, Justin Williams, Jack Johnson and Drew Doughty were unable to do… score. And Coach Murray wasn’t happy with the performance of his star players… and he said so during his 3rd Period interview. 

“Yeah, Foxy, Kopitar really is stinking it up tonight. That’s why I’ve got Westgarth in there…”

“Coach, I can hear you.”

I haven’t seen a split screen this awkward in a few years.  

And if the Kings dismal attempt at offense wasn’t bad enough… the brand-new Consol Energy Center has become overrun with Hippies and their peace-signs.

I haven’t seen a split screen this awkward in years. 

And at least I got to see Pay-Cable Sensation, Dustin Jeffrey, stick around in the pros and play against the Kings. Until he got injured in the 2nd period. 

And Jeffrey makes 6.

Yes, I know Marc-Andre Fleury is an elite goalie. But for anyone who thinks the Kings are lucky to escape Pittsburgh with 1 point instead of none, I wish there was a way to graphically remind them exactly who wasn’t playing for the Penguins on Thursday night. 

So let’s check the Los Angeles Kings 10 Game Road Trip to Hell Leaderboard:

We are now 1/3 of the way through the “Fuck” portion of the roadtrip.

In a world where Mike Fisher is being traded for a 1st Round Draft Pick… if Dean Lombardi is really thinking about picking up some offensive help for this stretch run… it’s gonna cost him. And that’s enough to make any coach worry. 

I wasn’t gonna say anything… but Coach Murray’s ulcer is really starting to be noticeable.

Please, if you don’t already… just read the damn Pensblog

The Royal Half has been a Los Angeles Kings fan since 1988 and a Half-Season Ticket Holder since 2002. He has seen the following goaltenders play in person for the Los Angeles Kings… Kelly Hrudey, Grant Fuhr, Byron Dafoe, Jamie Storr, Stephane Fiset, Felix Potvin, Cristobal Huet, Roman Cechmanek, Mathieu Garon, Adam Hauser, Jason LaBarbera, Barry Brust, Sean Burke, Dan Cloutier, Yutaka Fukufuji, Jean-Sebastien Aubin, Erik Ersberg, Jonathan Bernier, Jonathan Quick, Ben Scrivens and Martin Jones.You can follow The Royal Half on Twitter @TheRoyalHalf.